Example brand tagline.

Hayley Pearson

Today, you would have turned 38. Wow, 38!!! I can see you scoffing as you roll your eyes, at how hideously old you think that sounds.

You’ve been gone for 3 years and 5 months now. It’s still gut-wrenching to think about. I can’t believe you died. Nobody can. 

You should see Mum and Dad as grandparents now. It just makes my heart melt at how much they LOVE Austin and Alfie. I often think how much you would have loved to watch them with your nephews. Dad tears up when he talks about Austin. He just loves him so much. They’re like best mates. Your nephews have been our saving grace, Ryan. Even when we’ve felt like we’re in a pit of despair, they’ve made us laugh and smile. You would have loved them.

Happy birthday Ryan!

Today, you would have turned 38. Wow, 38!!! I can see you scoffing as you roll your eyes, at how hideously old you think that sounds.

You’ve been gone for 3 years and 5 months now. It’s still gut-wrenching to think about. I can’t believe you died. Nobody can. 

You should see Mum and Dad as grandparents now. It just makes my heart melt at how much they LOVE Austin and Alfie. I often think how much you would have loved to watch them with your nephews. Dad tears up when he talks about Austin. He just loves him so much. They’re like best mates. Your nephews have been our saving grace, Ryan. Even when we’ve felt like we’re in a pit of despair, they’ve made us laugh and smile. You would have loved them.

Dad says a prayer for you every night. Even though on the outside he appears to be ‘the strong one’, he still has the most horrendous flashbacks of that night, finding you. I think he’ll struggle with that for the rest of his life.

Mum’s going to the ballet in June. I’m going with her but I know she wishes it was you. She loved that you both liked the same things. She’s different now that you’re not here. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through; outliving her son. She always said that would be her greatest fear. But, she’s coping, somehow. I know she puts on a brave face, but I can see the pain behind her beautiful blue eyes. When I see her laugh, I often think, please let her keep laughing because I know right now, in this moment, she’s not thinking about losing you. She’s happy.

As for me, I’m still filled with regret. Remember when I told you that you had to be sober if you wanted to meet my baby? I was angry that you weren’t. I couldn’t understand that someone who wanted to be an uncle SO badly, couldn’t get himself sober. I understand now. I forgive you. But I still beat myself up over that final week.

When you called me to congratulate us in the hospital, I couldn’t talk because I was vomiting (from the pain killers). A week later, at 4.55pm, I called you. I called you 7 times but you didn’t answer. At 10pm that night, I found out that you had died about 5 hours earlier. It was like I knew. I knew you were leaving us, I HAD to call you. But I was too late. I have so much regret that I didn’t call earlier. I’m so sorry.

We often laugh thinking about you. Especially that time when you came to see Jimmy and me in Queensland. We were at the Spirit House, having lunch and you walked up to what you thought was a ceramic lizard. You said, “Oh look at this ceramic lizard”. Then, it moved! And you ran away, screaming like a woman! Lifting your legs up so high just in case it bit you. I laughed until I wet myself that day. God, I miss you.

We like to reminisce about those funny moments. We don’t think about the disease as much anymore. We think of you happy and sober.

So today, you would have turned 38. I can see you putting on that hilarious bitchy face, looking at me, thinking, ‘How dare I be younger and more youthful than you?!’ Haha! Well, at the end of this year, I won’t be. I’m dreading turning 34. It means I’m about to pass my BIG brother in age. I won’t be your little sister anymore. It kills me. 

Even though it’s bloody hard, we still celebrate your birthday every year. We go to Petrel Cove, to where your ashes lie and let off 5 green balloons. But this year, it will be 6. A balloon from Alfie too.

So today, on your 38th birthday, I hope you’re in your happy place: in a pool with lime milkshake in hand, wearing a big dress, riding a pool pony, smoking and listening to Madonna.

 

Happy birthday, “Ryanne of Green Gables”.

Love your sister, Hoola xxx